Any strategy that interferes with an automatic response of anger will help you effectively manage anger
• Deeply inhale and exhale three times when actually angry.
• Long before you are angry, learn and rehearse skills to relax your body when you become angry - meditation, imagining yourself in a peaceful place for ten minutes, or tensing and relaxing muscles of your body (around your eyes, your jaw, shoulders, arms, chest, etc.)
• Remember that anger almost always is a reaction (and a distraction) to other negative emotions such as fear, shame, guilt, embarrassment, or hurt associated with rejection, being devalued, or feeling inadequate. Identify and focus on these reactions.
• Recognize and replace unrealistic expectations you have for yourself and others – the need to be perfect, the need to be “right”, and other expectations you have regarding how you and others “should” be.
• Begin to view your “expectation” as a wish or hope that may or may not be satisfied, - one that, unfortunately, may or may not be open for discussion and negotiation.
• To reduce unrealistic conclusions, try not to personalize the behavior of others. Think of at least six alternate reasons for their behavior instead of immediately trusting your first automatic conclusion
• Remember that anger that feels "overly intense" may be tapping into our vulnerable "button" - leading us to revisit past experiences of hurt, shame, rejection, or a variety of negative emotions.
• Learn communications skills that include discussing anger and related negative emotions rather than taking actions that reflect your anger
• With loved ones, adopt this major guideline for resolving conflict - agree to disagree for a period of time - agree ahead of time that either partner can request to shelve discussion of heated topics until you both can do so more calmly, whether it takes an hour, several hours, or a day.
• Reach into your most nurturing, supportive, objective, self and try to be compassionate with others and yourself.
Anger Management Education
1 East Delaware Place, Suite 310
Chicago, IL 60611
Tel. 312-642-0265, email: bgolden10@sbcglobal.net
